In Thanks
by WinterVines
Summary: A discontinued tradition continued. "We’re both at this moment in time wanting the same thing.” It's hard when they're both recovering from the same injury. Shunsui x Nanao. One-shot


_Disclaimer: Pssh, let's face it, if I happened to own Bleach, it would probably suck. However, I would make sure to let secondary characters have more screentime than they do :)_**

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**In Thanks**

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"Oh, Nanao, this is wonderful! Aren't you excited?"

The lieutenant of the Eighth refrained from rolling her eyes at her best friend. The excitement in question was, in fact, a celebration for the human holiday of Thanksgiving later in the day. Since the ryoka invasion, as well as everything that had happened lately, most of the people in charge thought that it would be a good idea to help relieve some of the tension that had been threading through Soul Society as of late.

"Not really."

Nanao knew of this human holiday, having once celebrated it within her own division. Some others did not know of the happenings that occurring on this day, so their bubbly attitude on doing something new was almost contagious.

Almost.

"Why not? It's been so long since your division celebrated!" Rangiku's eyes were bright as she spoke. This was the first time for the Tenth to be involved in such activities. Most of the time their icy captain turned down their festive ideas. Something about them being inappropriate. She had a feeling that the only reason Captain Hitsugaya agreed this time around was because it was practically an order from First.

She snorted. "As if they need another reason to host a drinking party."

She came across as uncaring and maybe even scornful, but Rangiku didn't need to know her reason for acting so. She probably could guess the reason anyway, being one of the few people the strict lieutenant let close to her.

Nanao knew the last time the Eighth had celebrated Thanksgiving. The last one had been right before Lisa had disappeared.

She was aware that Rangiku was still talking about something animatedly, but the grey shadow that came over her for a moment was enough to divert her attention from her friend. It wasn't a very safe topic to think about, for it brought up all kinds of memories she'd rather not remember, but she couldn't really help it. Lisa was always the one that demanded they do something for the human event.

Lisa never really came across as someone who would promote that, but she always made a point to say that they should all be thankful for something. It was important to value that your comrades and friends were still alive and that your missions went well enough. Nanao agreed with her one hundred percent. It was good to appreciate what you had, especially those that could not be standing next to you the next time you step out onto the field.

She supposed that's why the event still throbbed with a dull pain within her every time she thought of it. Lisa wasn't there to lead the troops or read with her any longer. She was gone. She wasn't coming back.

"Well, at least they let everyone take the day off. They pushed back the deadlines for paperwork too."

Nanao raised her tea cup to that in an imaginary toast. She finally had a day off in who knows how long. Even if it was just for the day, she would take it. It was a perfect day to sit and home and read. Even better too that Rangiku had stopped by for a short while.

They sat and talked for a little while longer, just enjoying each other's company and quietly sipping tea. Rangiku had decided to forgo the sake until later, saying something about wanting to remember all the festivity. She left shortly after, an attempt to get a head start on everything. No doubt Renji and the others would start a drinking contest after all the divisions had their dinner. After that it would become a whole Seireitei party.

Nanao sighed, taking a moment to rub her temples. While it was indeed nice to celebrate, she didn't want to think of all the cleanup she would no doubt have to do. It wasn't enough that this event stirred up bad memories, but it also had to lead her to more work and more people to take care of. She wondered how inebriated her captain would get today. She wasn't sure if he even wanted to host this get-together at all.

She got up to wash the dishes the two had used, taking her time with the task. It was mid morning now, the afternoon almost arriving. Their division dinner wasn't until later in the afternoon, so she still had plenty of time to do other things.

Too much time to reflect on past things, she thought.

Nanao wasn't the only one that almost fell apart after Lisa's defection. Despite his cheerful attitude and grinning face, she knew that a part of her captain had died that day. It appeared that she wasn't the only one that was good at hiding behind a mask. She remembered it well.

The holiday had rolled around once again, except they were one old lieutenant short. For some time it was only the Eighth that had had this celebration every year, only now and then another division joining in. That year the season had come as usual. Despite everything seeming as usual as it could be, Nanao noticed a shift in the air. It was unnoticeable to everyone around them, even those in the division, but it had hit her like a sack of bricks.

Everything was different.

He didn't smile that day, she remembered. She didn't smile either, but then again she wasn't one to smile much anyway. He had seemed very dull and not full of life like he usually was. That was how she came to describe him. He was like life. No matter where they were, she always found that she could breathe easier when he was around. She was more at peace, especially as they both struggled to make it through their own loss. They were each other's anchors to stability, and she would forever be grateful for that. She knew she had grown attached to the flirtatious man known as her captain.

She was smart enough not to deny it to herself any longer. Out loud she would deny it, but as long as she was within the safety of her own mind she would not ignore the fact that she knew she was in love with her captain. It had happen gradually, over the course of the countless years they had been together. That was part of the reason she hadn't been totally stunned when the realization crept up on her.

That was another reason she was dreading this event. She knew these truths, but it didn't prevent herself from acting against them.

Sometimes she wished she was even more like Lisa than others already mentioned she was. Even if it wasn't his fault, she knew her captain blamed himself for what happened to her. Seeing the pain behind the those amber windows struck another aching cord within herself, like a vice grip on her heart. She found it hard to watch.

That's why she sometimes wished she were different. If only she was more like Lisa, then she could help null the pain her captain was suffering from.

Nanao knew it was stupid to wish such things, but it didn't keep her from trying. They were two totally different people, appearances aside. The only thing they really had in common was their enjoyment of reading (although they were very different genres) and their knack of keeping their captain in line. She knew that she would never be able to take Lisa's spot within her captain's heart, but she couldn't deny that she wanted to. They had years together before she came into the picture, and it was depressing to know that she was already that far behind from the start.

She left her kitchen, coming to sit on the sill of the bay window in the front room. She had a book in hand, but her mind was too preoccupied to stay fixed on the meaning of the words. It sat unopened in her hand while she watched the day pass. She sighed once again, wondering why her thoughts had strayed from her.

On the other hand of her musings, she didn't want to be just a replacement, even if she wanted to do anything to erase the troubled memories hidden in his eyes. That was part of the reason she never took him serious whenever he did something that could be considered flirting. Sometimes it was questionable though, and in those times she had a hard time telling just who he was imagining.

She wondered if he was really flirting with her, or just with the ghost of a past they couldn't gain back.

It would work out for everyone if she did consider his antics genuine, but she did have some pride and self-preservation left in her. If they weren't, she didn't know if she could handle another heartbreak. It was true that Lisa and the Eighth would probably never stand completely on the same side again, but if the oncoming battle took a turn for the worse, who really knew.

The sun faded to the second half of the sky and she wondered where the day had disappeared to. It seemed that one's memories had their own cruel way of passing the time. Getting up, she started to slowly get ready for the afternoon's event. She wandered into her room to look for the fabric that would be tonight's veil.

It was just a division dinner, so she didn't really know what she was so worried about. It shouldn't be anything special, but Nanao supposed she knew better. Maybe it wasn't anything much to the others, but for two people, it meant everything. It was a tradition to celebrate when she was here, and a new tradition to not celebrate when she was gone. What did this mean then?

Moving on? Maybe, even though it was slightly forced.

She lifted the soft cotton from her closet, the indigo color of her dressy yukata almost matching her eyes. It was one of the only non-formal pieces she had, and even though it was mostly a summer garb, it was going to have to do. She thought it very fitting for the occasion, as it had small pink sakura petals down the seams.

Putting it on and making sure she looked somewhat decent (she was never one for make-up, even at something like this), she exited her abode, hoping the rest of the day would turn out okay.

--In Thanks--

The party at the Eighth was exactly how she envisioned it, a party.

There were a few decorations here and there, and she did smell food cooking somewhere close by. The most prominent detail was the sake jugs that had begun to accumulate though. It looked festive enough for any other fall get-together she had been to. There was only one thing missing.

Her captain.

She didn't think much of it in the beginning. That had been over an hour and a half ago. He was usually late to most things, so coming a little later than everyone else, even to what was mostly a drinking party, wouldn't have surprised anyone. Now, however, it was becoming a mystery to where he actually was.

She had asked other division members if they had seen him, thinking that maybe he had been here earlier when she was not and just stepped out, but she just received negatives form all of them. She did receive a few appraising looks though, and she slightly prided herself in that. It wasn't often that she was seen out of her uniform, after all.

At first she thought he was just avoiding the celebration because he didn't want to deal with it. If she was more heartless, she might've told him off for it, saying that if she could handle it then he could too. As it was, she was normally only heartless on the battlefield, so when she did see him finally make a small appearance (odd, as he usually made it a point to stand out), she didn't pay a lot of mind to it.

He wasn't dressed any differently (unless one considered his haori different, but Nanao did no longer), compared to most of the other soul reapers that had changed in light of the event, and she wondered if he thought that maybe if he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary then everything would stay normal.

It could've been a defense mechanism, she supposed, for as tough as she and many others knew he was, it didn't mean he was made of stone. It was easy enough for her to fit into the role of a perfect soldier, becoming unfeeling like they were supposed to. She admitted that it did make some things easier to deal with, at least for the time being.

She met his eyes only briefly in that short time, but he had turned away before she could read whatever he might be trying to hide. She was slowly making her way towards him, perhaps to question him or perhaps just to be around someone familiar and comforting, but the announcement of dinner made her change her course.

She and the others were steered to a set of arranged long tables with seats all around the surfaces. She was placed at one of the ends, practically forced over by one of the other members. Normally that type of conduct would not be tolerated by her, but today she let it slide. Others were still in cheerful and excited moods. Apparently they wanted the heads to be at the ends of the tables, as her captain was seen sitting down across from her moments later.

She tried to catch his eye, but he was making himself busy by listening to an animated conversation next to him. She looked to her own sides, recognizing the fourth seat on her right and the tenth seat to her left. She nodded at them and received one in return.

Food was brought to their place of sitting next, and she couldn't deny that it did look and smell wonderful. She had forgotten that certain members of the division cooked really well, having gone so long without tasting their yearly creations. Fresh sake was also added, but before anyone made any motions to touch any of it, someone at their table spoke up.

They proposed that everyone took a shot at saying what they were thankful for. It was a genuine idea, she thought, and something that would hopefully keep their spirits up throughout the winter season. It wasn't likely to get any easier from here on out.

She heard some laughs and shouts of agreement from down the way. It was good that they still retained their sense of humor too. Apparently they had started at the soul reaper to the left of her captain and were working their way down towards her. It looked like the slightly smiling (which she was almost sure was strained) man would be going last.

As the noise grew louder, Nanao realized that it was getting closer to her turn. While she knew exactly what (or in this case, who) she was thankful for, it wasn't something she was going to share with everyone else. She frantically searched her mind for something to say as she heard the forth seat speak up.

She was still thinking as the fourth seat turned towards her and asked the question that had been going down the line. "So, Lieutenant Ise, what about you?"

Her mind snapped to attention and she answered somewhat automatically after that, having nothing much to go on. "Oh, well I'm glad everything has been running smoothly here so far with all the things that have been going on." She saw some nod their heads in response. "Also, I'm very glad that paperwork was halted today. If there was another small mountain to do I just may need to get checked for Carpal Tunnel."

A part of her wanted to take back the words she said right after, but the thunderous laughter that followed it made it impossible to do so. There were a few toasts pointed in her direction, so she obliged and rose her own glass in turn, taking a sip. The small speeches continued down the line towards her captain after that, and she was only slightly relieved.

The way she said it made it sound like an insult to her captain. Everyone knew that she did all of the paperwork for the division, that was besides the point. Even if it was true, she didn't need to advertise it like she had. A sinking feeling came upon her soon after that, and her brow creased as she stared at her cup. She snuck a glance at Captain Kyouraku despite her better judgment, but found that he was only smiling at her.

That made her feel worse, as she couldn't tell what he was thinking. She hoped that she didn't offend him. She knew that he probably wasn't feeling the greatest as it was. She supposed that he might think her just playing along with the rest, showing a sense of humor that rarely ever bore it's face, but she was afraid that he knew her too well. He had always been good at reading people.

The comments trickled down to the last one left to say anything that night. She had heard various thanks for fortune, good health, and a few even for women that they had met. She expected her captain's to be somewhat similar to the latter, given his normal attitudes. What he did say surprised her immensely.

"Greetings, all." He offered one of his grins, and there were a few greetings in return. "I know it's been quite some time since we've hosted this type of event here in the Eighth, but I hope that everyone has been having a time that they'll be glad to remember."

There were a few cheers after that, but Nanao didn't join them. She was transfixed on Captain Kyouraku's face. He had a serious look about him, and that was something that she didn't see often. It immediately set off a warning buzzer in her head, causing her to pay more attention.

"I suppose that now it's my turn to mention what I'm thankful for." He paused for a moment, and Nanao found herself leaning forward just slightly, anxious to hear what he had to say. That particular look could mean both good or bad.

"There's a long list of things I could say, but instead, there's one person that sums all of it up." Nanao felt her stomach drop from beneath her. She had a feeling of who he wanted to mention. Well, it was two ideas really, and she found that she didn't know which person he valued more right now. She shouldn't be acting so juvenile, but perhaps it was the environment or all the stirred up memories that were causing her to react this way.

"You know her, as do most from other divisions. She's extremely hardworking, independent, and loyal, something that all of us here in the Eighth value more than anything. In fact, never has any woman been so close to my heart as she is." Nanao couldn't look him in the eye yet, instead she had her gaze fixed on his hand that was resting slightly on the table. She had been looking at her own, but she had found it shaking, so instead she had brought it to her lap and held it with her other so no attention would be brought to it. Who was he talking about? These were qualities that could be applied to either.

"Despite her often cold demeanor sometimes, she really does have a kind soul. Nothing would get done around here without her either. I couldn't ask for a better lieutenant, nor do I want another one. She's already perfect the way she is. So here's to you, Nanao-chan."

Her eyes snapped up then, meeting a gaze that she didn't entirely understand. One she didn't know if she wanted to understand. It looked like a mix between grief and guilt and happiness all rolled into one. This was one of those times that she had a hard time telling if it was real or not. She wanted it to be real. More than anything.

He rose his own glass from the table, prompting the others to do the same. Nanao found she couldn't look away from his gaze. "To Nanao." He drank then, affectively cutting them off and letting Nanao come back to her senses. She watched others do the same in somewhat of a daze, hearing shouts of Lieutenant Ise as they did so.

If she felt bad before, she felt worse now. It was like wearing red to a funeral, and you were the only one sticking out.

Everything commenced as planned after that, but Nanao couldn't really tell you what happened during the meal. She was trying too hard not to let the wetness that had built up behind her eyes drip down her face. It had been a long time since she was in a similar state, and she found it ironic that it was when she found out that Lisa was gone.

She had sat there until most everyone was done, smiling (very fake-like) when addressed and giving a polite answer. Then she excused herself and got up, hoping that there were enough people there for her to mingle through without being noticed. She made her way to the far wall and slid open the door quietly, slipping out onto the veranda.

As the door closed she noticed the peaceful silence immediately. She walked over to the railing, taking time to admire the passing day. She shivered slightly, seeing an almost invisible cloud of air rising from her lips. It was nearing the end of November, so she wasn't really surprised. She probably should've grabbed a light coat on her way out, but it was only a quick flash over here, too small a distance to really need one.

The sun was beginning to touch the horizon, the light making the slight blue of the sky turn violet and orange in places. There were a few wispy streaks of grey across it, but it had been mostly clear the whole day. She was so entranced by the sight before her that she barely registered the inside noise growing louder then softer seconds after or the presence that had appeared out on the veranda with her.

"I must really seem terrible now, don't I?" She took the initiative to speak, knowing full well who it was. "It wasn't true though, what I said, despite what you think, Captain."

The haori wearing captain didn't move or make any sound, just watched her from near the door, so she took it as an opportunity to continue.

"I'm sorry about earlier. That was a bit rude of me." She paused for a minute, not turning to face him even though she knew he was looking at her. It was one of those feelings that you could tell when someone had their eyes on you. "But I suppose it's been so long since we've done this that I'm a bit out of practice." She did look at him then, and it warmed her heart a little to see the soft look in his eyes. It was a look of understanding, and she liked when she didn't need to explain herself any further than that.

He wordlessly came towards her, and before she could say anything, he had taken off his haori and draped it over her. She had an inquisitive look about her, so she turned it towards him, asking for an answer. "You were shivering."

She looked down, and sure enough, her hands were slightly shaking. She didn't know if it was from the cold or not though, as the situation had brought up those memories again. As a buffer from the cold, or perhaps the remembering, she clutched the pink garment closer to herself, taking note that it smelled thoroughly of him.

He stepped away a few steps, to not invade her personal space. Nanao didn't know if she liked that or not. Before she could think on it further, he spoke. "Thank you, Nanao."

She looked away from him, back out to the scene before her. The sun had began to dip now, as a third of it was already gone behind the visible line of ground. She didn't know what it was that was threatening for her to lose her composure. She supposed it was the look on his face. It was more sincere than she had ever seen it. She didn't want it to be there because she was a good replacement.

She wouldn't be able to take it.

"I should be the one thanking you really, for everything that you've done. I appreciate you more than anything, I think. It's just…a little hard to tell…" She trailed off, tearing her gaze away from the horizon edge to turn and meet his gaze. "…Who were you thanking? Sometimes I don't really know. I'll never be her, no matter what I do."

Her surety as she said it must've taken him by surprise. It was either that or the topic of the question because his eyes widened slightly before a sad smile came to his face. She feared the worse, guessing that she could only and would only be second best to her former mentor.

"It's always been you." His voice was quiet, and if she hadn't been watching him closely she may have missed it. He was a few more steps away now, further down the railing than she was. He took his turn to look out a the rapidly declining sun, and she loved the way the sun's dying light that emphasized a warm glow that was present on him with or without it.

"Captain, I-"

"No, Nanao. I'm not your captain tonight. Right here and now there are no divisions and there are no officers. I am just Shunsui and you are just Nanao. We're both at this moment in time wanting the same thing."

His words were slightly puzzling, but endearing. There were times when she didn't want rules and regulations or ranks to be in the way. She sometimes wondered how things would be different if they were in a different world under different circumstances. She wondered if she would deny herself what she wanted there too.

"How long, Nanao?" His words brought her out of the reverie she was drifting into, and she realized that he probably knew exactly what she was thinking. She could ask him how long he knew.

Taking a hidden deep breath for bravery, she walked towards him, having the nerve to reach out with her left hand to take his right. She wasn't looking at him again, but she felt him whip around and stare at the joined appendages. It was unlike her, but she had enough of sitting in the dark. She was going to find out if this was real, even if it did break her.

"Long enough to not want to sit around waiting anymore." She looked up at him then, finding a smile that was not strained. She smiled in return, feeling a welling feeling in her chest that had nothing to do with unhappy memories.

"Perhaps we've both been waiting too long."

He grabbed her other hand and kissed her then, and Nanao would probably say it was the sweetest thing she had ever experienced. As simple a gesture as it was, it told a story of sadness, pain, and regret, along with hope and happiness. It was one she could relate to, because hers was exactly the same.

She may have been grateful for meeting Shunsui and getting to know him, but she was really grateful for Lisa Yadomaru.

If it hadn't been for her and everything that ensued, she would never be here, in Shunsui's embrace, where she belonged.

-Fin

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_Yeah, so it's not an update to my epic, I know. I've been very behind on any holiday fics though, so I figured I should get on the ball with that. Seeing how Thanksgiving was today, it was appropriate. It's only eight thirty, it still counts as on the day. If you don't celebrate that I hope I didn't offend you in any way. _

_My newly joined community: Shunsui-Nanao: 101 Years of Love is going to be holding a December challenge for those that are interested. Info is up on my profile. The Setsubun LoveLove Challenge is on! _

_Good, not good? Let me know. -KG_


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